Psalm 30:5b (Good News Translation)

Tears may flow in the night,
    but joy comes in the morning.

When you lose a child, happiness is hard to find. You practice joy and fun for years, hoping one day it will come naturally. You focus on your hope of Heaven and look for God’s fingerprints in your tragedy. Each year it becomes a little easier, yet you forget what a truly good belly laugh really feels like. Then one day, you are surprised by joy and it takes your breath away.

Tonight was one of those brief powerful kisses-from-God-moments for me. First, I was listening to our firstborn talk about his seven-year-old daughter and the joy in her precocious observations of life. I felt a sudden burst of emotions of joy mixed with awe and pride over what a wonderful dad Shawn is. I had to ask him to scoot over and sit next to me so I could hug him and just tell him how proud I am of what an amazing dad he is.

A few minutes later, Bethany showed me a “princess post” on Facebook comparing Disney princesses to what we really would be like if we were that princess as real humans. Suddenly, I saw myself in those truly human versions of princesses and was overtaken with such deep humor, giggling and joy that I couldn’t stop laughing and my belly hurt and is still hurting now, an hour later.

God promises in this Psalm that weeping will last for a time, but joy is on its way. I wasn’t looking for joy tonight, yet it showed up, (maybe with a little help from caffeine).

Princess Photos with Belly Laugh Videos Bethany Took in the Comments

This will be a short post to follow up from my last post, Sorrow and Joy Can Dance Together. Brief because after praying for a positive ending to my book, God provided that very clearly on June 30th, in our backyard wedding where we celebrated the marriage of Taylor’s best friend to Bethany’s best friend, with my amazing husband officiating.

Between our nephew’s wedding, this back yard wedding, and other family gatherings, God kissed our hearts to sweetly to redeem our joy, but I don’t want to spoil it for any readers of my book (which probably won’t be all published and ready until next spring).

Suffice it to say for now, God poured blessings over us abundantly.

Here is a little video I put together from our family phone cameras. Wedding Video of Jamison and Emily

God kissed us in many ways in the days prior to Taylor’s burial and memorial. This excerpt from my book shows God’s compassion in that sharp immediate grief and the continued compassion with a little miracle kiss He gave me today in my dulled grief.

Friday, July 26th was Taylor’s burial and over 100 people attended. His amazing friends and brothers, those who had been his groomsmen, were the pall bearers, including his friend Trevor Powers who had quit his world music tour to attend. Such a sacrifice of love overwhelmed me. Taylor and Michelle’s marriage counselor, John, who had also married them, came home from a long trip to help with the burial and memorial. He and his wife, Pauletta, spoke, and our godson, Josh, lead us in a couple songs of worship. Deciding against a casket flower drape, we loved Pauletta’s idea to hand out red roses for people to place on the casket after they shared stories of Taylor. Many shared fun anecdote’s and touching moments that started healing in our hearts. Stories were dying down and it was evident we were going to be leaving soon.

Sitting under the canopy tent resting in the quiet for a moment, we suddenly saw a hummingbird hovering over the flowers on the casket. It looked over the span of all the people, seeming to look into our families’ eyes, then flew part way into the congregation under the tent, stopping and looking, then moving to the back doing the same before it flew off. Everyone gasped in awe with no words to respond at the precious beauty of that moment.

The funeral director, cautiously stepped up to the microphone, clearing his throat, “I never speak at memorial services, but I have to say something. In all my fifteen years of doing services at this cemetery, I have never once seen a hummingbird up here.”

We all knew it was another kiss from God.

At this writing moment, four years later, I have had a really hard time with physical grief memory. My body aches the same way it did the week our son left. The week of Taylor’s death anniversary, two weeks ago, I had not seen a hummingbird on our feeder all summer, although Angie and Josie had seen a couple. I asked the Lord if he could please let me see one sometime this year. From the next morning on, I have seen one every day. The last few days I have been sick and extra heavy in my heart. This morning, I opened the sliding door to let our dachshunds out. Sticking my head out to see what the temperature was, a hummingbird was less than two feet away from me looking directly into my eyes!  God knew I needed a big kiss today. He is so good!

Most of my Facebook friends watched our dead van dilemma this past week at the end of our Inzane Valkyrie Motor Cycle Rally in Billings, Montana. Now the rest of the story…

After 5.5 hours of sleep in two days and eight hours of roller-coaster decisions trying to decide to fix our car or buy a new one in Billings, we headed home, a day late, to Boise in a newly purchased van. Louise, Raymond’s wife rode shotgun with me driving, and her brother-in-law, Merle, minus his out-of-order Harley (left in Billings), rode in the seat behind me. On Valkyrie’s, leading our pack, were my man, Gary, and his biker buddies, Greg, Dave, and Raymond – Louise’s husband. We were still reflecting on the bright side to our challenging previous day: My car incident, we all believe, quite possibly saved Merle from having a roadside problem or worse with his Harley.

That stressful day behind, tired, yet eager to get home and see some never-seen-by-me-Idaho scenery along the way, I joyfully set off toward Boise. Our friend Greg, an ingenious mapping navigator and adventurer chose a route that was faster and more scenic than the other Eastern Idaho highway routes available. Our drive was filled with stunning beauty and fun. Getting to know my friends better with delightful chatter was uplifting and helped the time pass.

Journeying through from Bozeman and West Yellowstone, the Gallatin River Valley and the Caribou-Targhee National Forest, we then meandered and headed towards tiny Dubois, Idaho. Soon, we found ourselves staring at a dirt road. Unsure of the trail ahead, the guys asked a passing rancher how far the road went. Still uncertain from his vague answers to their questions, we pushed on through the new adventure.

There were times I would start to grumble at the rough road worried about the boys eating dust, then I would see the spectacular scenery and divert my attitude. Despite wondering when it would end, we enjoyed the amazing God painted ranch-land and more chatter. After twenty miles of beauty mixed with dust, we stopped at the end with paved road ahead, black angus milling around the ditches. Just before stopping, we noticed two young women carrying backpacks, obviously exhausted, who were also ending the twenty-mile journey on foot. Getting out of my car, I grabbed my phone to capture the scenery I had longed to photograph over the previous three hours. We all walked towards the girls, Dave getting to them first to ask about their adventure.

Kelsey and Chardonnay had started from the Mexican border in April and were traveling the Continental Divide up to the Canadian border! https://wanderingchardonnay.wordpress.com/ These young ladies touched our hearts in a special way as we heard their stories as they reflected perseverance and fun determined spirits. After listening to anecdotes from these precious girls, taking photos, and sharing snacks with them, we drove off, amazed at our crossing paths. As we contemplated our two-day journey, I realized if my car hadn’t broken down when it did and we had not been detained a full day, God not only saved Merle from an uncomfortable situation, but his perfect timing provided a moment in the middle of nowhere for us to meet some amazing young women accomplishing a daunting task.

When we are on the rough roads of our life journey, we wonder if times of struggle will ever end. This week he reminded me that the rough road is part of the journey and adventure but he is faithful to give us times of respite and treasures along the way.

Philippians 1:12-14 NIV

Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. Because of my chains, most of the brothers in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly.

Sitting in my hotel room, alone in Montana, this morning, Sunday, June 25, 2017, while waiting for Gary to arrive, I was contemplating working on my book, but just can’t seem to get my brain or my spirit around it. Doubting if I should even finish this book or just focus on other things and people in life, I struggle to think then pray.

Jesus, would you please direct me and show me how you want me to spend my time this morning?

Receiving word, very early today, that the sister of Taylor’s high school girlfriend was killed in a car wreck, leaving two small daughters, I wasn’t sure I could write. Tragedy hits again in the wake of the loss of my friends, Travis and Debbie, all within one month. Overwhelming chains weighing on my friends’ families.

Praying. Phone calls with just love and mourning together. Text messages of love. More tears for all.

Knowing I just need Jesus, I open my Bible, and can’t see to read, so missing a few sermons from church, I log on to my church’s website sermon audio files and try to pick one I missed. If I can’t read the Word of God, I can listen to it. Wanting to choose the most recent, instead logic (God) tells me I should pick the first one I missed, even though the title, Gospel Chains didn’t sound interesting or pertinent, since I’m not in prison. (Yes, I am dense sometimes).

Listening to Rodd Ritchie speak on our chains in life and how God uses painful situations to share his love with the world, I begin to reflect on my circumstances and was strengthened in my resolve to write to encourage others who have gone through the same things I have. While I am at peace with losing a child, and learning to have peace with a hurting grieving family, I spend tons of time in doubt about my purpose in all this pain.

Why my story; so many others have gone through the same thing? I’m not a trained journalist! Do I have what it takes? Why do I want to share this story? Are my motives right? Am I sufficiently pointing people to God? Why am I doubting Christ in me?

So, as I’m listening to this sermon, encouraging strength returns as I hear of other stories of pain where God has used tragedies to share his love – Dr. Kim from South Korea, Paul in prison, among others, friends and family my pastor knows. These people didn’t plan to share their stories elaborately, nor was it them who caused the seeds of their stories to grow in the hearts of others. They just loved and shared – period!

Each time, someone loses a loved one, my heart breaks again for them with the same pain I felt when Taylor died. While it can exhaust me at times, it is not a bad pain, but a blessing of love that I know only comes from God as his compassion must pour out of my heart into theirs. God, personally, and many others poured this same love and hope into me to prepare me for loss as I grew up and others after Taylor went to heaven, so it is a totally natural thing to pass it onto others.

Listening to this sermon, I reflected on my hope shared in the current losses of others and I also realized, how God did this again with someone who wasn’t currently hurting. Last night, I walked into the hotel restaurant alone. While I am pretty comfortable eating alone with my phone, it is usually an awkward situation for many, especially those watching us who dine solo, thankful it is not them. Another lone woman cautiously asked me if I’d like to join her. Always up for an adventure, I thanked her and moved to her table as others in the restaurant smiled watching a stranger showing kindness towards me.

We shared our vastly polar reasons for being in Montana; me attending a motorcycle club convention with my husband and she, a keynote speaker at a convention. As we talked, I could see she was an intelligent highly educated veterinary professor with logical analyses of life. I didn’t sense we shared the same faith or interests, yet we found interesting conversation as I listened, fascinated with her line of work. She calmly, yet passionately explained how her job works, caring for students working with large and small animals at her university. We discussed all my last five crazy dogs, their temperaments and maladies with humor and laughter. My potentially lonely evening turned into a fun learning experience for me with a new friend, despite our differences.

Near the end of our meal, we exhausted the animal world and moved on to our families which always leads to the passing of our son. When giving a picture our beloved children, I brought Taylor up lightly but she asked for a bit more information. Within about five minutes, I shared Taylor’s passion and hope, thus my hope and some of the good that has come out of our loss. Surprisingly, this seemingly emotionally guarded woman teared up. I was touched by her compassion, but felt I needed to stop talking about me. After a bit of silence, I asked about her family. She shared and then it was time to part ways.

Who knows how much of a seed of hope for now or in the future will take root in this woman’s life from my brief story. Throughout my life, others shared their hope in the midst of their chains and thus gave me hope, courage and strength when I needed it most. So, today, my confidence was strengthened that sharing love and hope from the chains of life with this woman, I planted a seed of hope in God in her life. God is the one who will make it grow, I just share God’s story in my life.

So, what chains in life are holding you down? Have you found purpose in your pain in sharing with others? It doesn’t have to be written in a book. Like this morning, just crying with a friend who lost her granddaughter. Like last night just mentioning a short story of hope from your life with a random stranger. For my precious friends in deep loss right now, don’t try to process what you need to do, just rest in Jesus and he will open doors for you to share as you walk this journey.

That voiced, onto writing a book about hope to share with others. I won’t worry about it being well done today, my editor and God will help with that. All this from asking Jesus to direct my day. He is so faithful…